Untraceable depression

It's been 2 weeks after the first day of college (for us, dat is...) and everything seem to be so different from what it used to be for the past few semesters. I go to college, attend classes, hang out at the usual spots and go back. There ain't hype anymore. It's getting boring.

Project was okay. We had to start our own campus newspaper; which won't be sold. LoL. Econs by Ms Malar was okay too. I learnt a few things about economics... haha!! Moral studies was... erm... fun? I really don't know. I really do pity the lecturer. He's a really nice, friendly guy... however he's a bit physically challenged. But that didn't stop him from being cheerful, smiley-faced everyday and also to pass down knowledge to his students. Erm... somehow that was abit hard to swallow as most of them in class wasn't too keen on paying attention. I really did felt sorry was him as he was trying his best to get everyone's attention, his way. But...

Anyhow, i did my part and paid as much attention as i could to him. I really do salute him for trying.

Finally... my favorite subject - Intro. to Corporate Comm (ICC)! Specially welcoming the lecturer himself... Mr. KUMAR!! Yeaahhh...

-_-lll

I don't wanna say much about this anymore. I'll just do my part in class, study hard and score as high grade as i can. I don't wanna skip classes anymore either. I'm so sick of explaining to incompetent lecturers who themselves lack the skills to teach, yet try to make the students lick their shows or kiss their asses. BULL! I"m gonna show them i ain't what they think i am. I know i'm different because i ain't as lucky as some people at college where their families are rich enough to continue feeding them with silver gold spoons. I'm from a family with a tour-guiding dad who slogs 18/7 to keep the income secured; a retired bank manager mum who's sick of the corporate world, practically almost breaking her back taking care of the family, not to mention maintain firm ties with relatives and also doing her part in counselling, in her law studies, temple duties and etc, two hardworking sisters who seldom goes out, however glued to the computer for some unknown reasons. I'm just sick of my life... i want something more out of it.

I've been feeling down lately but no one knows, not even Manda who somehow can always tell i'm not ok. It's killing me inside, slowly... I'm trying so hard to change, not to show i'm upset and that something is bugging me inside out. But i can't hold on much longer. I just needed to do something about this.

I'm already 23 this year. No thanks to people who keep reminding me about it, esp at college. I realized that, with or without their "help". I know i'm getting older and i'm still in diploma, for crying out loud! All my friends are working, at the degree studies, finished studies, married and even dead. At least the dead ones ain't pulling their families down to their graves... i am.

With the constant issue bugging me; balancing my life with my family, friends, Manda, studies and also my own personal life; i don't think i can take it much longer.

I've known people who are doing well. If not with relationship, at least they're working and making use of their life. I'm not. I've friends who're balancing their life pretty well. I'm not.

I really don't know what to do. I feel damn useless now. I feel guilty. I feel weak. I feel helpless. I feel... i feel... i feel like i need to do something with my life.

I'm out.