Why?

Why must something like this happen to me right now? What have i done to deserve something like this? This whole issue is just getting too heavy for me to handle and i'm almost giving up on it; despite the fact that i still want it so very much.

I've always been a fool, pouring out every ounce of myself into it, yet i hadn't gotten back anything hopeful, but a handful of disappointments. I know, sometimes things do not, and would not go the way you'd want it to. It's not like you put your hand out and you'd get what you want. You HAVE to work for it; strive harder and don't give yourself lame excuses just to get complacent over it and in the end gripe about it at the end of the day.

But this is so much different for me. I've strived; i've put in my best effort; i've hurt over it; i've slugged for it. Yet, i'm still yearning for it from afar, without being noticed at all.

A strong gust of wind blows past me, and sweeps it away as it goes. I couldn't do anything but to stand where i am right now and watch it drift along where the wind is taking it.

People say, "nice guys finish last." I used to resent that phrase. Does it mean that if you want something, others will have to be sacrificed and die in bid of you obtaining what you yearn for? Sometimes, certain things are meant to be, some are not. "What's done, is done," i always tell myself. It's always been my life's motto. However it somehow doesn't really have anymore impact at the moment. I feel that i've put in too much to lose out right now.

Fuck this whole thing. Fuck everything i believed in. Sometimes i do understand why some guys think this way. It's not always so pleasant when you want something; some things are put into jeopardy just for the sake of "happiness".

I can't even concentrate on what i'm supposed to be doing. I can't even watch my favorite tv shows or listen to my music without being bugged by it. Fortunately, my eating habits are still intact, in which boosted my need for a puff all the time.

No one seems to understand what i'm going through at the moment. All i get is "chill...", or "don't worry, things will be fine."

How am i supposed to CHILL or know THINGS ARE GONNA BE FINE if there's no proof or at least a small guarantee that there's still light at the end of this dark tunnel i'm walking in right now?!

Why must this happen to me? Why must i always lose out? Why must i always be the one who's stepping back?!

WHY?!